How to Apologize to Myself

At some point in our lives, most of us develop and internalize rules of conduct. For instance, I remember deciding that I wouldn’t fight with my younger sister anymore.

Perhaps I should admit that this particular rule emerged on a day when we were fighting on the floor of our shared bedroom over the question of who would use the comb and bathroom first. She nearly succeeded in beating me up. Although I won the battle, I decided I would never fight with her again.

Perhaps self-interest triggered the origin of this high-minded rule. Nonetheless, I never hit my sister again, and if my memory serves me correctly, she never hit me again either.

Now fast-forward sixty years. Today I have rules about what and how much I should eat (no more than 1,500 healthy calories a day) and how much I should exercise (a minimum of 60 minutes unless I am sick). What do I do when I break these rules and feel guilty?  To get back on track, I practice the three Rs.

I read about the three R approach to apologizing in the September/October 2007 issue of Positive Thinking. In the article “The Art of the Apology,” author Alina Larson suggested using the three Rs when we need to make amends to others.

Aha, I thought to myself. Why not adopt her approach when I violate my own standards, when I need to apologize to myself?

Here they are:

Regret: I express my regret aloud. I don’t pretend that my behavior was acceptable. I don’t rationalize my behavior or treat it lightly. I apologize to myself by expressing genuine remorse.

Responsibility: I take responsibility for the choices I made and reaffirm my commitment to stick with my healthier lifestyle. If, for example, I’ve overeaten, I don’t blame the circumstances or any influences around me. I don’t blame the restaurant for serving irresistibly delicious food, the celebratory occasion, my bad mood or my sister.

Remedy: I come up with a different way to deal with whatever triggered the train wreck in my fitness program. If I overate because I allowed myself to get too hungry, then the remedy is to be more vigilant in monitoring my feelings of hunger.

To err is human. Knowing that, I can be certain that I’ll make mistakes again (and again and again) despite my good intentions. That’s why I need to know how to have an intimate conversation with myself—a way to apologize, take action and move on.